Wow, I'm feeling accomplished this morning, but not because of any plans I made. My body just decided it didn't want to sleep any longer about 5:00 am. By 5:30, my tummy was growling, so I got up, made myself a coffee and oatmeal with blueberries and blueberry yogurt. By the time I texted my neighbor at 7:30 to see if she wanted to walk then instead of at 8:00, I had washed, toothbrushed, combed, made bed, checked email and Facebook.


My question is why can't I manage to do this every single day during retirement as I did during all those years I worked? I mean, is it really so wrong to get up at 9:20 am as I did yesterday? I wasn't asleep the whole time, but snug and warm under the covers, I came up with some great ideas (should have written them down) for the remainder of the day/week/month/year. Still, when I saw the clock, guilt bowed my shoulders and nipped at the positive feelings I had when I got out of bed. Arrrrgh!!!


You see, finally, at long last, I have the freedom to do whatever I would like to do whenever I'd like to do it. But, how do you change 52 years, or more, of conditioning that kept me to a schedule, made me accomplish tasks and chores and work on a regular consistent and expected basis. I'm having a hard time find a lever to push that will ring the bell and bring me a reward. How do I, as an old dog, teach myself new tricks that will provide me with a reward.


On the other hand, why should I have to teach myself anything? Why can't I just slowly move from day to day without any kind of schedule, doing whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it? Who says I have to have a mission in my retirement years? Who says I have to learn anything new or do something meaningful? That who is most likely me because I was conditioned from an early age that if you didn't accomplish something, especially before 8:00 or 9:00 am, then your day was wasted. But, it's my day and why shouldn't I waste it if I want to?


The only problem with wasting the day or days, is that they are not retrievable once they are gone. I was taught and adhere to the idea that a day spent being sick or unproductive is a day wasted, a day that's gone forever; and with it, the opportunity to accomplish something worthwhile. I realized a long time ago that I was raised with guilt. I was not that kind of mother with my own children, and even now, if I try in jest to guilt them into something, their response is, "Nope, mom, guilt ain't gonna work." I'm happy and pleased I was able to do that for them so why do I have such a hard time making my own guilt go away and just enjoy the wonderful opportunities now available to me to do what I want when I want...or to simply do nothing at all.


Were you raised with guilt as a tool? Were you able to overcome that guilt feeling that raises it's ugly head whenever you try to break free of that conditioning? Share your method with me...please.