Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and the little girl inside me wants her mommy. She'd like to snuggle up close for hugs and stories. She'd like to sit on the floor while mommy brushes her hair. She'd like to share a beer and talk about daddy whom she misses as well. While my boys and husband celebrate me and my motherhood; and while I'm grateful to have children and grandchildren, today would be a truly happy day if it were possible to have my mother and grandmother present.


Somehow I never expected to become the eldest female in the family...matriarch is a word for someone far older than me. Somehow, I just expected my grandmother and mother to remain in my life forever. My grandmother left us 34 years ago this coming December and mom joined her and daddy 16 years ago. By now, I should be accustomed to not wishing them Happy Mother's Day, but as I reflect on how they shaped my life, I only miss them more and especially the opportunity to tell them I understand now what I didn't understand then.


Grandma was there at my birth and continued to be a part of my life on a daily basis until I was 12 years old. Suddenly, she climbed on a plane and went to California to live with one of her sons. I have many wonderful memories of her during those 12 years. She returned to Seattle after her sons passed away. By this time, I was all grown up with a child of my own, but hadn't matured enough to realize how some things will matter later on and how sad I'd be that I didn't realize that then.


Grandma lived in senior housing just across the valley from my house. I could almost see where she lived. My mom and dad looked after her, taking her to the doctor, grocery shopping, out and about on other errands and transporting her to the various family functions and holidays. I helped with this when asked, but failed to take advantage of what my grandma wanted to and could give me. Instead, her stories of life in Tennessee as a child, a woman married to a man more than 40 years older than her, hardscrabble farming, raising five of her own children and 11 from the two previous wives (who both died) annoyed me because she repeated herself so often. Now, were she able to talk about how she never went home to visit her own family because 50 miles was too far to go, I would have a multitude of questions. Sadly, I now do have a multitude of questions, just no way to obtain answers. I apologize to my grandma for not having the patience, maturity and enough love to take advantage of what she offered with every visit and every phone call.


Unfortunately, my impatience and lack of understanding also affected my relationship with my mother. It had to have been hard to return home with a bun in the oven even though apparently no one questioned the ring on her finger or the story of a dead spouse in World War II. Today, I would ask her about how frightened she had to have been, how she dealt with that, how she thought she would be able to raise me on her own.


Mom never talked about growing up or her years in Tennessee. It was my husband who pointed out that whenever Grandma began talking about the times back then, Mom got up and left the room. Today, I'd follow her and ask questions about why she found this so painful. I'd coax her to take a trip with me to Tennessee both to visit the places she knew as well as to reap the stories she would share about those times.


It's too late for me to revisit the past with my grandma and my mom, but I have a project that I hope will provide answers and information to my sons and grandchildren should they, and as most children do, fail to ask enough questions before I join those who went before me. I've started a journal that will contain all the stories I do know that reach back to my great-grandmother. Some of these stories may be a single paragraph while others may run on for pages. It's my personal legacy; and one I now wish I could make richer had I had the patience and foresight to look ahead to the large, vacant spots in my life that my Grandmother and Mother once enriched with their presence.


Happy Mother's Day to the women who came before me. Thank you for the gift of life, strength, determination, love and memories...memories that could be more complete but which I cherish nonetheless.