As the
years/decades passed, however, I’ve come to not only see the truth in that
article, but to experience it as well. As a child growing up, there were lots
of hugs and caresses in my family. One of my favorite memories is of my mother
brushing and brushing my hair and how good it felt.
Along came
boyfriends and I certainly remember how good it felt to be hugged and kissed by
them, not to mention the desire to “go all the way” in response to those raging
hormones as well as to see why it was forbidden. Of course, I found the “one”
and experienced years and years of not only amazing and fantastic sex, but all
it entailed.
I have memories
of John and I spending entire days cuddled on the couch, our being warm and
close and lazy making for a perfect day. Nights, before we went to sleep, we’d
always cuddle and sometimes talk about our day or plans or dreams. Here again,
we were skin to skin and who knows how many nights I drifted off to sleep with
him nestled around me, his hand on my hip.
We all know how
babies are made (or we should anyway), so, of course, all that superb sex
eventually led to the birth of our first child and ten years later the birth of
our second child. Talk about having more than enough skin during those years.
Whoa, I remember how it was with son #2, Thor. For four years, I was a stay at
home mom. Yes, I loved being home with Thor, and I also loved being home for
son #1, AJ, when he came home from school. But, by the end of the day, I’d had
way more than enough skin to last until the next day if not the next year.
Bedtime was at
8:00 pm for Thor, 9:00 for AJ. We’d get Thor ready…bath, jammies, stories, and
then leave him in his crib. I would no more sit down than he would be calling
from his room, “Daaaaaady, Daaaaady, can I have a cuddle, Daaaaady.” John
simply couldn’t resist those plaintive cries and would go rescue Thor, bring
him back to the living room and cuddle him on the couch. Thor, who sucked the
two first fingers on his left hand, would twist around, look back at me and
give me the biggest smile around those two fingers…I never did, but there were
days when I was so tired, I wanted to slap the two of them silly.
Children do grow
up, and before I knew it, I had to beg for hugs, kisses and cuddles from my
boys. Fortunately, John continued to provide needed skin with hugs, cuddles,
kisses and sex. Not only do children grow up, but we as parents grow older as
well and our bodies fail or undergo changes that require a different level of
comfort. For a wide variety of reasons (think snoring, too hot, too cold,
window open/shut, TV on/off, up and down often) as we aged we shared less and
less skin to the point we now have separate bedrooms.
John always goes
to bed at 10:00 pm, gets up a few hours later to take his medication, is up for
a couple of hours and then doesn’t get up until shortly after I do. I’m a night
person and like to stay up late, go to sleep with the TV on, sleep all night
without being disturbed, and sleep in the next day. (Walking five mornings a
week with a neighbor doesn’t allow this, but I take great advantage on the
weekends.) John naps during the day and I don’t. As you can see, our schedules
don’t allow for a lot of skin to skin contact or cuddles.
According to a
report from August 2013, 30-40% of couples sleep in separate rooms, so it isn’t
like we are an odd couple. Using the internet I tried to find some information
on the important of skin to skin touch for older individuals. I found lots of
information on skin care, but only one article about mental health and touch.
Even this article didn’t go into great detail, but pointed out how it was
important to hug older people, especially those who live alone.
Researching further, I Googled, ”how
many hugs a day to stay healthy,” and the first thing that pops up is:
There is a saying by Virginia Satir,
a respected family therapist, “We need four
hugs a day for survival. We need eight
hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”
If I base my skin
to skin needs on this, I have a dangerous deficit and my survival and growth is
in serious jeopardy. In a good week, I doubt I get anywhere near eight hugs,
let alone that many in a day. Shocking isn’t it…at least I think so.
Perhaps it’s
having a new baby to cuddle that’s brought all this to the forefront of my
brain. I know sitting and holding grandson Xander whether he’s asleep on my
chest or we’re making faces at each other, I get such a sense of joy and peace.
It’s like he’s filling up an empty place I hadn’t recognized because it
slowly emptied over a long period of time.
Well, there’s no
way I’m going to get to have Xander on a regular, daily basis in order to get
my empty skin need met, so I’m going to have to do something about it on my own
now that I know it’s there. I’d say it’s up to me to seek out those hugs and
cuddles from John. Since we are together every day, it shouldn’t be too
terribly hard for me to snuggle up to him at the kitchen sink, lean over the
back of his chair, or climb beneath his blanket when he goes for a nap. I guess this should also serve as a warning to family and friends...there's way more hugs in your futures.
For now, my goal
will be those first four hugs a day to be followed by eight and then 12. You
see, I don’t just want to survive, I want to grow, grow, grow and for that, I’ll
need way more skin, just like that article stated all those decades ago.
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